8 Tips to Help Someone Being Abused, Inspired by Oscars Performance

Lady Gaga’s “How would you know” performance at the Oscars hits HOME.

From my post last week on my story of physical/mental abuse and sexual assault, I feel the Oscar performance from Lady Gaga on “How Would You Know” was God’s way of telling me what to write about next for my 3 part series of my story.

It’s painfully disturbing on how often I run across someone who has been physically/mentally/emotionally abused or sexually assaulted. Or hell, all of the above, like myself.

As mentioned in my story, I feel it was in my destiny to endure these tough occurrences in order to understand and relate to those who are silent and lack the voice to stand up and speak out. To me, if someone were to try to “talk” or “help” me deal with the psyche and emotional stamps these occurrences put on my life, without having gone through it themselves, I would get offended and completely shut down.  I mean really, how the HELL would YOU know if you never endured it?

How would YOU know how hard it is to leave someone you love  after they cuss at you for taking the “wrong route” to a meeting place and tell you you’re an idiot?

How would YOU know how it is when an argument escalates when you order the wrong meal or didn’t do the dishes “correctly” into choking you against the back door so you would not be able to leave?

How would YOU know how it feels to wake up to your friend on top of you after you pass out and you can’t even move or speak. Only to feel like it was you who brought it upon yourself and kept the relationship going thereafter.

How would YOU know how it feels to have to introduce your significant other to the guy who said hello to you at a bar in attempt to diffuse his growing rage? Or how about when, after trying everything, it still leads him to throwing you to the driveway and with an “open hand” hitting you repeatedly while screaming, “YOU made me do this”? Or how about when these “open fist” hits are so forceful it leaves bruises and knocks your contacts from your eyes and all you can feel is the warmth of your tears down your face and of your blood spewing from your nose onto the hard concrete?  Then, how would YOU know how it feels when after the fact, he is so emotionally distraught and remorseful it lures you in again by plucking away at your frayed heartstrings.

How would YOU know how hard it is to see a person in such a vulnerable state that you set yourself aside in order to try to save the human you see inside?

How would YOU know how hard it is to face your own demons and question yourself on what you did wrong in the whole manner of any negative situation in order to deserve this? Or how it was to go outside of your own character in retaliation and do things you knew were not in the best judgment?

How would YOU know how it feels when you doubt yourself and have to forgive yourself for reacting how you did by hitting back or breaking  a mirror with your fist, or for fighting back in a way where it only made situations worse.

I mean, how WOULD you know?

Check out Lady Gaga’s performance at The Oscars 2016 to get a full feel of the emotion this statement.

It’s hard to relate or help when you haven’t been put in the situation and I learned this the hard way, we all did. I was not a perfect person in any relationship, but who is? Mistakes can be made from every party involved and people can grow and learn. I really believe that. However, the sad fact is, a lot of people have experienced abuse and do not 100% know it or talk about it. Some think it’s a specific genre of people, but women (and even men) from all statuses have experienced abuse. Those you think couldn’t possibly have even come close to being a victim, like many of my family and friends thought about me, probably have.

Powerful, confident, intelligent & successful people have been faced with these evils, including Lady Gaga. So the first step is for those people to know:

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your “person”, your status, your mentality, your weaknesses, your strengths are not the reasons you were assaulted. It was nothing you did or could have done to bring this on yourself. There is no excuse for this violence. 

You are PERFECT.

You are STRONG.

You are WORTHY of healthy love.

Lady Gaga’s powerful performance, which brought thousands of people to their feet and tears to their eyes, lit an even bigger flame in me. Our goal should be to raise as much awareness about abuse and sexual assault as possible in our lifetime. We need to encourage survivors to open up about their experience to those closest to them. We need to educate mothers and fathers on the signs of abuse in order to help them instruct their children on what abuse looks/feels like before it happens, or even how to handle the situation once it occurs. We need to work with those who have been the abuser. We are human and make mistakes. There are people who have abused others who are truly remorseful and are looking for help or answers. But, what does that look like and how can they be helped?

These conversations can be incredibly difficult for all parties, and many people don’t know how to react to such disclosure. So, I have put together a list of 10 tips on how to handle a situation when someone close to you reveals they have experienced physical/mental violence or sexual assault. –

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Please, keep your eyes and heart open for those who have fell as victims of abuse. Without someone to lean on or talk to, they remain silent. Please research and keep The National Domestic Violence hotline  in the forefront of your mind in order to help those without a voice stand and speak.

Find out more about Gaga’s performance and best dressed celebrities at the Oscars Here with Vanity Fair Magazine.

Stay Tuned for the conclusion of my 3 part series of self-acceptance and how I’ve found happiness. 

 

How You Have Healing Powers

To be truly happy is to have a deep inner satisfaction and approval of yourself. Encompassing yourself in unconditional love no matter what unideal characteristics one may have.

My whole life has been a gradual development of accepting myself and learning how to show what it is I stand for. This evolution has finally brought great joy and passion in my life in which I feel it is only fitting I share my journey in hope it may help others the same way.

As a society, we are taught that a positive outlook and inner acceptance can fix all things and it is only a self-help book or positive quote away to being attainable to everyone. Unfortunately, I am sure you have come to the grim realization this is not the case. Although the self-help books feel good at the time, and that enlightening painting above your bed that reads, “A positive mind provides a positive life”, looks hip and fun, it does not exactly fix anything. It is a mind set and a choice to love yourself and it needs to be practiced daily. Thankfully, the ups and downs through the years have finally led me to the place I need to be, which leads me to you and telling my story. Love it or hate it, this is me. So without further ado, let the story begin. 

I grew up as the youngest child. Although it sounds appealing, and at times it had its advantages, there was my older sister. I’m sure you know where I’m going with this. She was a blue eyed, skinny, thick blonde haired beauty. She won beauty pageants, great at gymnastics and a connoisseur at ticking me off. One truly riveting memory I have is when we both participated in a small town parade. She was the cute child waving like a beauty queen in training, and I was caught with my finger up my nose. So, let’s just be honest, clearly I had some jealousy issues. I hated the fact she had the beautiful hair, the looks, and mostly I despised the feeling that our family and friends adored her and not me. But, don’t fret! It didn’t take me too long to see that this was not the case. They loved me just as deeply as her, but when you are young you look at the world in such a different view. Even though this view was wildly inaccurate, it didn’t stop the fact that this is when my inner critic was born. This is when it became confident in yelling inappropriate and hurtful words, as if it knew what it was talking about. “You’re just chubby” “You’ll never have beautiful hair” “Nobody likes you” “Four Eyes” “You aren’t good at anything” “You’re so Weird”, were just a few things I remember telling myself.

From this stemmed a personality that would torment me for the rest of my life…somewhat. I became extremely shy. I did not even interact with family the way a “normal” child would. I still remember the sick, anxious feeling I would get when being introduced to new people. This shyness fueled the awkwardness that lit the self-critics ego a flame. At this point, my dad became so immensely worried that it led him to search for answers in hopes to find something to salvage my self-esteem. This is when he found an answer. He talked with me about going to Barbizon, a school for modeling, in hopes to bring me out of this self-destructive imaginary world I created, and it began to work.

As the years passed, I began practicing the power of positive thinking. To me, beauty and confidence is shown through your inner core to everyone else. I knew that in order to be happy, I had to be happy with myself first. Cliche sounding, but very powerful. I didn’t want to practice “self growth” because that would imply that something was WRONG with me. What I needed was self healing. I began embracing and being gentle with myself and started trying to show others how to do the same.

Fast-forwarding through college, I found that I had become the woman I always envisioned to be. I was Strong-willed, stubborn (in the right way), kind, self-sufficient, had tons of trusting and loving friends and overall beautiful in many ways. (Yes, I can say this in a modest fashion) I was the person who others would come to for guidance or advice. I became caring and would embrace the insecurities of others to try to help build them back up. I never would have guessed this nurturing desire of mine would wind up keeping me in a place where the devil presented himself and evil poured in my mind, once again, on a weekly basis.

After college, I found myself dating someone who not only mentally mistreated me, but later became physically abusive as well. Most people who knew me would never have believed I would allow myself to be in this situation. I was even told by a family member, “I knew when you were ready to leave and put your mind and heart into it, you’d just do it. You are more capable to handle yourself than anyone I know so I just never asked.” Which, again, if you know me…I’m stubborn and she was right. To me, I could help him. I could nurture him into the caring man I saw deep down. I KNEW none of this was my fault. However, the inexplicable filth that poured out of his spitting words began chipping away at the person I had always wanted to be. At one point he actually told me, in one of the many apologetic attempts, “I only say all those hurtful things because I see you up here (holding his hand above his head), and I feel like I need to bring you down a bit.”  Other things like “You’re so stupid, nobody will take you because all you can be is a trophy wife”, “I bet you were nothing but a whore before me and that’s why you were raped”.

Oh, did I fail to mention? When I was a teenager, around 17, I was at a party and woke up being taken advantage of by a friend. Now, this was a guy who I had flirted with a bit, but was way older than me. I never followed through with these actions and was dating my high school sweetheart at the time. But to me, it was my fault. I had brought it on myself because I did show interest. So I continued to date him. He was, at the time, a friend of mine that I cared for. It wasn’t until years later, I realized it wasn’t right. I knew it back then, but not like I do now. But anyway, back to this.

Without going into too many details (in which I have since made a distant memory) all the verbal punches turned into physical bruises. I was choked, drug across the hall, spat on, pulled out of a car, and the last straw was when I was bloodied in the driveway after trying to leave for good. Now, I wasn’t the perfect saint in this situation. Evil breeds evil, and I found myself saying hurtful things in attempt to defend myself. Words I didn’t know I knew. I even slapped him twice in the heat of the moment.

I don’t tell you these things in attempt for pity or to make you feel as if I was a victim or even to make you dislike/hate the wrongdoers. Please remember, I stand here, vulnerable to judgement, criticism and sympathy but I do not need these things. I’m here today, the person I am, because I have been through HELL and back and have nothing but Love and Admiration for the person I am. I share today because I want others to know YOU are BEAUTIFUL, POWERFUL, WORTHY and ADMIRED no matter what life throws you. It’s how you heal your life and what you learn from it. It’s an ongoing struggle because the mind is a relentlessly ongoing thing. But how you handle every thought is what matters.

I’ve forgiven myself, my ex, my “friend”. I would NEVER change my journey. My passion is STILL to help change the lives of others and I feel that God has put these obstacles in my path in order for me to understand and appreciate the pain and confusion others receive from the same situations. It’s so I can relate because I’ve experienced it. It’s to be given the knowledge and power to help myself become self-aware and gentle with myself, accepting unconditional love for #1, me. Besides, if I didn’t “love me some me” as I often say, how will I carry out what I was put on this earth to do?

Through this found freedom of self-acceptance, I have finally encountered my drive and I want to hit it head on. It’s to guide you and so many others through the fires. Through the heat of your own mind and self-critic, your own destructive thoughts and emotions, and even the relentless “not feeling good enough” no matter what that looks like. I want to educate women on abuse and self preservation and empower them in a way where they are comfortable enough to stand up and be exposed, in order to help others, like I have through this post.

Health, Beauty, and Healing is what I am about and what I want to help others to achieve. Because if we all accept ourself, we become fearless and the universe opens its arms to the unthinkable. May God, Grace and Patience be with you. 

(Side note, I wanted to give you a person I LOVE LOVE LOVE to follow. She’s fearless, inspirational and always seems to say the right things. Her passion for business, God and helping others is unreal. Meet Sandi Krakowski. I hope she helps change you like she has me!)

Here are 7 Steps to Self-Healing for you to begin removing the bandaids…and start living.

7 Steps to Self-Healing

Step 1: Connect with your Inner Self

Start focusing more on YOU and your care. Through meditation, intentional self-reflection, and the experience of a still environment at least a few minutes a day, you can connect with your inner being. Then you’ll learn to listen and appreciate it! Heck, maybe even start to enjoy it!

Step 2: Truly and Honestly face your inner obstacles and resistance

Who’s your biggest critic? It’s you. Period. Most people are afraid to face their own weaknesses, or dare I say, flaws. This is where the critic comes to bat and begins to make you judge against yourself. You will discover your insecurities and anxiety exemplifies feelings of the past and CAN be HEALED. They actually are begging to be. The first step is to dig deep down and let the process of releasing begin. In order to do this, there are many avenues, from therapy, support groups, energy organizations like School of Metaphysics, massage, mind-body programs and being here 🙂

Step 3: Deal with old wounds…Get under that BandAid!

Yup, you knew it was coming. Before you can heal, you have to deal. As old residues of negative emotions are released, you’ll see you have leftover resentment, anger and scars that have to be faced head on. They may feel fresh at this point, but this means you’ve held on too long. It takes help from someone else who understands to go into these depths with you-this could be a close friend, mentor, confidant, priest, therapist…or even an online community. Once you begin, you’ll find a sense of relief and heightened appreciation of yourself for what you have gone through. I’m here to help if you need me.

Step 4: Forgive your past…yes…do it.

Pretending to forgive old pain and abuse, when in fact, all you’re doing is trying to escape the pain is not FORGIVING your past. Through healing, you can be free from pain. This can give you the foundation for the sincere forgiveness and freedom you long for. “Self-acceptance is required first, and the realization that you—and everyone around you—have been doing the best you can from your own level of awareness.” This is a challenge when someone wronged you deeply. However, you cannot separate from the wrongdoer/doing until you accept that others are within their own reality and they are unable to escape or even change.

Step 5: Accept where you are right now…like NOW.

Don’t do this too fast! The first few steps take a long time. But, when you catch yourself dwelling in a bad memory, say an affirmation. “I am not that person anymore.” “My past will not deter from my happy journey in my present and future.” This is a great start.

Step 6: Form relationships where you feel loved and appreciated and boot the others

The path to unconditional love isn’t meant to be lonely. You should walk it with people who reflect the love you see in yourself. You are likely to look around at some point and realize that not everyone among your family and friends is in sync with your aspirations. Without rejecting them, you have the right to find people who understand the path you’re walking and sympathize with it. They are more likely to appreciate you for who you are now, and who you want to become.

Step 7: Practice the kind of love you aspire to receive…Love you some you.

I hear all the time how people are wanting and waiting to find the love of their life, or that their spouse is “the one” and “makes them complete”. But, realistically, how can anyone but yourself make you complete? Your mind and your heart and your emotions are powerful and guess who has the gear stick? YOU…YOU are the only one in control of that. Like attracts like, and the more you love yourself, the more your energy will draw in others like you and brightening the flame you create on this earth.

 

SPEND TIME EVERY SINGLE DAY with one or two of these steps. They are intertwined and once you find your mojo and begin forgiving and loving yourself, you’ll see the other steps will flow freely and follow suit. Put it in your phone as a reminder for every morning or every night. You are too important to forget about.